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Let’s say you get your hands on a brand new Time Machine. Whetherit’s the old-school H.G. Wells chair model, or a tricked-out DeLorean,you’ve now got to decide what you’re going to do with your new toy. Butbefore you run off and start messing up your life, sleeping with yourgrandmother, and investing in Google stock before the Internet wasinvented, we’ve got a few ideas for you. Here are 15 moments in time,both past and future, that you may want to just witness before you go and do what you’re inevitably going to do, and ruin everyone’s universe.
The Trinity Test (Past)
If you want to see one of the most awe-inspiring events in humanhistory, then you need to set your time machine for 5:29 AM, July 16th1945 at Alamogordo, New Mexico. The Trinity test was the very firstsuccessful detonation of a nuclear bomb, with a blast the size of20,000 tons of TNT. Make sure you pack some Ray-Bans, and apply plentyof sunscreen for this one.
The Roswell Crash (Past)
Whether it was a UFO or a weather balloon, it’s time we found out justwhat went down around Roswell, New Mexico on the night of July 2nd,1947. Just to be sure, camp out for a couple of days before hand, andtry to find a spot somewhere on Foster Ranch, outside a little towncalled Corona, near Roswell. Remember your cameras and flashlights, anda first-aid kit may not be a terrible idea either.
Birth of the First True Artificial Intelligence (Future)
In the movies the first A.I. always turns out to be a total asshole. Itnearly always either tries to murder someone, or take over the world,or cause general mayhem while it plots to take over the world or murdersomeone. This is all Hollywood, so you’ll have to check out just how itpans out when the very first true artificial intelligence wakes up andsays hello. Remember, there is still the chance that Hollywood wasright all along, so take a really big electromagnet with you just incase.
The First Modern Olympic Games (Past)
In 1896 Athens, Greece hosted the world’s first internationalOlympic Games. This was a huge event, with crazy steam-powered boatsand new-fangled “locomotives” moving people around. It must have been asight to see this collection of athletes from around the world all inone place, you know that had to be one hell of a party.
Signing of the Declaration of Independence (Past)
Even non-Americans want to witness this event in human history. Thesheer immense gravity of the situation makes it stand out amongstanything else that any other group of men ever did with pen andparchment.
Mankind Attains Faster Than Light Travel (Future)
Let’s face it, ever since you were a kid and you saw Star Wars forthe first time, you wanted to fly through space at light speed. Youespecially wanted to do it with Chewbacca at your side but we’re tryingto be realistic here. Now if the whole “breaking the laws of physics”thing bothers you, well, you’re in a freaking time machine.
The Fall of Rome (Past)
Granted, it may be a good idea to show up a few years early on thisone so you can enjoy Rome while it’s not burning, but we’re going forthe excitement here, right? You’ve got all the time in the world(literally) to hang out and live the good life with girls feeding yougrapes while you bathe in wine; we want to see the barbarian hordes!
Battle of Thermopylae (Past)
You should note before going to see this horrifyingly spectaculardisplay of bad-assery that, historically speaking, it was nothing likethe movie 300. In fact, it may have been slightly moreawesome, even though King Leonidas may not have had such a massivelyout-of-place (but still cool) accent. Xerxes was probably taller andthe elephants were probably twice as big.
First Contact With an Alien Species (Future)
Yes,this could easily go badly for us humans, but it’s somethingyou simply cannot miss. You have a time machine, and that means youhave a duty to witness certain things that just too far beyond youfor there to be any objection. Do humanity a favor though; if you’regoing to watch this one happen, take a flame-thrower with you, and ifthings get out of hand, just ask yourself “what would Ripley do?”
Helen of Troy (Past)
his is one of those things that simply demands explanation. Was shehot…and by that, I mean was she “sending a country to war hot”?Unfortunately, there is just unbiased record of what this woman lookedlike. For all intents and purposes, the guy who wrote that story couldhave had a thing for women like Renee Zellweger… So this is definitelyshould be on self-respecting male’s pretend, time machine to-do list.Bonus: you also get to see for yourself just how many heroes, gods, anddemigods showed up for the fight. Take lots of film.
The Discovery of Beer (Past)
Anthropologists suggest that without the advent of beer, man maynever have banded together and settled down on farms like we did. Thatmeans we owe a great deal, pretty much everything, to beer.In honor of this, you should make it a point to go back and see thefirst pint, bow down to it, salute it, do what you will to it. And ifyou can, drink some of it. Beer is good, remember.
Mankind’s First Interstellar War (Future)
Nobody wants a war, we all want peace, violence is horrible. Thatbeing said, since we can’t really deny the inevitability of mankindhaving a first interstellar war, we may as well own up to the fact thatwe all want to see how it starts. More than likely, it willjust be man vs. man, with colonies in space fighting each other. That’sstill loads of awesome, so make sure you stash your time machine someplace safe and settle in for the show. And by safe, I mean one of theDakotas (there’s nothing there, anyways).
Man’s Discovery of Fire (Past)
This is arguably the single greatest turning point in theadvancement of humanity. Before this point, we were apes. Afterwards,we were apes who could barbeque, things such as animals andother apes. Going back to this time would probably lead to some prettycrazy parties, and even though the language barrier may get in the way(unless you speak ‘grunt’), you’ll be the most handsome guy there.Steve Buscemi doppelgangers excluded.
The Comet that Killed the Dinosaurs (Past)
Alright, now this one’s tricky. We’re talking about an explosiveimpact so ridiculously huge, that it killed nearly everything on Earth.You’re going to have to camp out a bit, and keep the binoculars handyto watch for the comet; when this goes down, you had better get some reallygood pictures, hopefully video, and then hop back in your time machineand out of there as quickly as possible. None of this adventuring meansanything if you’re wiped out with the dinos.
Cubs Win the World Series (Future)
We can at least be hopeful, can’t we?
This handy guide will keep you taken-care of in the unfortunate eventthat you get stranded in time, assuming it’s the past. If you getstranded in the future, then just make a fortune going on talk showsand starring in movies. Since you’ll be so out-dated, you can pull ofvintage-chic pretty well, and if that fails there’s always politics.
